I’m Learning.

Published June 4, 2019 by robinhsoprano

Robin H. Soprano

The one thing “THEY” really don’t teach when your younger and in school is how to detect when your in a toxic relationship.The thing is, you have to be in it to learn it and truly swallow it down, and that just kind of sucks. Sure, our parents can offer help, or real friends and family may suggest things, but it is so minimal and you wont be prepared. Until you’re involved and for what ever reason everything people tell you about the bad relationship you won’t be able to wrap your head around it. Then BOOM  by the time you realize what’s happening your in  Ass deep, feelings get hurt. Lies and phony stories circulate causing  a ripple affect that spreads like a cancer wiping out other friendships in its wake. Now what you don’t realize at first is, wiping out a handful of friends that take the toxic…

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Published May 15, 2017 by robinhsoprano

ONCE again I find myself at the mercy of yet another diet. why?

Okay, its true no denying it… I did put on a few too many in the past year, but in my defense… I’ve been HAPPY!

Let me start by saying. I have NEVER been long lanky skinny skinny mini. I simply was not born that shape. I, like most woman have curves, Hell when I was 10  yrs. old people thought I was 18. Its true. I had boobs and I was already 5’6.  I always had some meat on my bones. But never was obese.

So because of the way society thinks we should look I have dieted, starved, worked out till I passed out, for most of my life trying to fit in what the world thinks is beautiful. I never got as skinny as I wanted or thought I should be. I believe i’m just starting to realize, at the age of 50, it’s just not gonna happen. I came to this conclusion recently while yet torturing myself on yet another diet. Here are my thoughts.

Did you ever notice there are people who can eat whatever, whenever and never gain a pound. They stay the same no matter their age. No matter what. Nothing effects their weight. But  people like me, who are what I like to call weight sensitive, or NORMAL we go up and down up and down you know why…. because we are trying to be something our body does not want to be. My Doctor never said to me lose  50 to 100 pounds he said lose a few to keep yourself in a safe zone for diabetes since it runs in your family.

Everyone is different. I have got to stop beating myself up. Look at my age I can look good and feel good, I don’t need to take a selfie in a bikini to prove that. I feel good and look good for my age. What I don’t feel right now is happy. What I feel right now is hungry. As I type this I also feel my hands shake because i’m starving. For what purpose is this. The reward people say is, you lost weight look how good you look. Okay but guess what… the scale today is up 4 pounds. IT WENT UP! I didn’t even cheat. I might of added a few things here and there… but, if the scale is up four pounds because I ate an extra  celery stalk, or I might of put a teaspoon of oil on my salad here and there because i’m bored with eating cardboard, then i’m out!

I look back at all the times I had significant weight loss. I was under stress. I was in mourning over a loved one. Or Someone broke my heart and I was unhappy. The common denominator here is   (nothing good.)

Through my life this has always been how it goes, up and down. When I diet, on purpose its not an easy task, its a struggle and its pure torture. I’m hungry all the time and after the first 10 or 15  pounds comes off, nothing budges,  its game over.

I not happy. Lately I have been depressed, and i’m starting to put it all together. I enjoy on occasion going to lunch with friends or even out to dinner. I enjoy opening a good bottle of wine. I Love going out with my love and getting an occasional meal or ice cream cone. I love to cook I love to cook for friends and have dinner parties. I love to be around people. For the past month I have stopped enjoying life all because of a few pounds.

I’ve become a hermit. Told people not come over or I can’t go out . This is making me crazy, and to wake up and check my weight has gone up 4 pounds and I didn’t even eat anything worth it!!  I think that’s when I had an my epiphany. Why am I making myself miserable! I have been down this road way too many times . The results are always the same.  I’m not happy, nor do I feel like I have more energy because I lost weight. I feel the same as I always did, just hungrier and miserable.

I hate to say i’m a quitter but how many times to I have to torture myself.  I don’t have the bad eating habits that some people have who are obese, some eat because of emotions, or they are midnight snackers.  I have seen people eat a whole bag of candy or junk food, Or hide food . I don’t have any of these problems, I just may have an occasional desert, or a second helping of a meal, which I know can be easily controlled. I just have to get my head around that. I’m sure its enough to keep the extra pounds off long term.

Also I have seen the other side of this coin too. People like me who are probably supposed to naturally have a little weight on them and they are super skinny, you know the ones, we’ve all seen them. They are the ones who struggle everyday to stay a certain weight, usually under what they should be.  I observe people its a habit of mine. You watch them when they sit down to eat. These are the types who can never sit through a  whole meal eating. They are up and down looking for something, or they say they are helping by washing a pot or pan, or weirdly decide to go do something right at the time we are ready to sit down for a meal.. “Oh Go ahead i’ll be there in a minute”  you know what i’m talking about, if they take one bite from their whole plate its a miracle.  They play with their food too, its so annoying, especially if they are in a restaurant because they cant get up and do anything there are no excuses… like let me get the coffee started, or clean the kitchen so I can sit longer, or let me just finish the laundry… so they simply say I’m stuffed, I can’t eat another bite, REALLY? Because i’ve been watching you not eat.  They aren’t fooling me.  I have been there … honestly its too hard to stay under the weight your supposed to be,  I don’t think that’s healthy either, your starving and you know it!

Even if I was to to wire my jaw shut or go to a fat farm,  Yes, the weight would come off but the minute you ate what is considered a normal well balanced meal, POOF your 10 pounds heavier.

I have lived long enough to know that I’ve been on this road time and time again. I am not happy, I miss doing things. I am more grumpier and bitchy lately and that’s not good.

I have got to stop.  This is who I am.  Curvy, with a few pounds on me. I truly don’t eat bad, but I eat. I enjoy life.  Right now I am not enjoying life. When one stays in bed all day because it keeps you from eating…I’m sorry, this is no way to live. Also My Ex husband and I drifted because he wanted to become  a super skinny guy again, not a healthy weight. We ate at different times  or he avoided meals all together, and worked out for hours instead of having fun and living a life with me.   I see this happening again, I get too hungry and I have my meal then my boyfriend has his hours later. We are not sitting and having conversation, talking, or loving. I refuse to go down that path again. I’m tired of hiding in my house, and i’m tired of preparing and eating food that I hate to eat.

I want to live the rest of my life happy. The world has got to stop putting so much emphasis on body image. And clothes manufactures have got to realize just because I have curves does not mean I have to shop in the plus size… Hell, I don’t know who they make clothes for now,  but a few times extra large was as big as the medium?!  The smallest size I have ever been was a 10… I’m not petite, never was, but there is nothing wrong with my body, Clothes shopping though can put you in a crazy house if your not a little thing.

Well my aha moment is done.  I very much realized why I’ve been in a funk… this is it. I’m hungry, and nothing is happening. I’m alienating friends and what makes me happy for what?  So I  can be a smaller size for a few months.  I don’t need anyone telling me  they have the next diet that’s going to work. There is no magic pill, but there is a balance that I have got to find, and also learn to love me the way god made me… I believe That’s really where we struggle.

Author Robin H. Soprano.

DREAM ~ WISH~ BELIEVE.

DREAM~WISH~BELIEVE

Published May 5, 2017 by robinhsoprano

Circumstance, tried to break my wings,  but forgot I have claws

People tried to remove my tongue, but forgot I have sharp teeth.

Negativity tried to bend my will, but forgot I have a strong mind.

Hell tried to take my soul but forgot , I Believed.

Believe in yourself and  your life will take flight.

 

DREAM~WISH~BELIEVE    Robin H. Soprano. Author.

Busy getting stronger.

Published March 15, 2017 by robinhsoprano

Hello everyone its been a while since I blogged. I can honestly say, its because I have been busy, I am barley writing either, I have written a short story that will soon be published along with other short stories. I also have some works in progress but finding my groove is taking time.

I am busy though, For some of you, you might not think its a big deal, it may just sound like everyday stuff. But for me it is a big deal. I went through a major life change and its just a year this month.  I still have some anger I still may shed a tear or two but its all far and few between.

Let me start by stating I am still amused about how people reacted to my situation, some friends and some family, of course no one on my side, (how convenient)… but that’s the way it goes sometimes, blood is thicker then water, always, and god forbid you speak bad about a person who dies…well I’m not just anyone, I was a wife, A good wife, I was a friend, A good friend,  I was an Aunt and sister-in-law..and a dam good one, I get along with everyone, and if I don’t,  I don’t make it known for the sake of family and friends… not into drama and I would never hurt my significant’s other’s relationships with their family and friends.

Because I was good I feel it so very necessary to explain how I was miss treated and so very wronged. I do believe my late, soon to Ex husband was mentally ill somehow…I tried to tell people and only a few  believed it but all they could say was get out. When I reached out to his side of the family I was ignored even though they all knew there was a problem, but I realize that is what his side did, his parents were very secretive, but look what happens when you sweep stuff under a rug. A Divorce, or sadly a death… nice right?

I kept asking around not to be nosy about what he was doing and the answer was always the same… “Haven’t Talk to him” There is the problem, no one wanted to help. How could you not listen to me when I had tears in my eyes! After he died and I found out what he was up to… well shit, it just confirmed he was not right, and then I was called a lair by most, and some just shied away from me because I believe it was a rough pill to swallow, Well,  put yourself in my shoes! some of you, I used to stick up for when Paul talked bad about you and you walked away from me or worse, you immortalize him without ever considering me and what he did to me, I’m the one who is here and sees your actions, hear’s your words.

Its okay now though, I know I don’t need you to believe anything, and certainly don’t need friends or family  that would not at least hear my side and openly have a healthy talk, you are the negatives that induce enabling people who might of needed a little one on one talk.

But I am too busy now to wonder about your feelings when you were not worried about mine. I’m too busy making a new life with a wonderful man and his family. I’m too busy taking care of a new home I bought by myself. I’m too busy worrying about my own bills and health and everyday life stuff. I’m too busy having fun with MY Real friends, the friends who built me up and stayed by my side.  I’m too busy making new friends, I’m too busy building up other friends who might need me now.  I’m too busy trying to make a career for myself. I’m too busy taking care of my dogs. Too busy letting go of the horror show that was my past. I’m too busy Not crying and laughing a lot more.

I’m too busy getting stronger everyday…

 

DREAM~ WISH~BELIEVE

 

 

FIGHTING MY DEMONS

Published July 14, 2016 by robinhsoprano

I am in a fight with myself… I want to sit and write, I want to write in the book I’m currently in progress with. But there is a whole dark cloud above me . I’m not blocked or stuck, the story is in my mind rolling around, its more about, I feel guilty for writing.

My life changed drastically in a very short period of time, there is a big piece of me that feels I need to get a job as in a “Real” job, and yes, I suppose I do at some point.  I can’t help feeling writing right now is a privilege and should only be done when my life has some order to it . I suppose this is how most of us grew up, its taught, you work hard pay your bills then you are rewarded to do something you love. I do know if my books paid the bills I would write till I dropped from exhaustion!  I fight this demon everyday even though I was told by so many to write, to keep on writing and let life fall into place.That sounds wonderful but when I’m writing all these other thoughts flood my mind and my creativity goes down the shitter.

I was told by professionals…Doctors, therapist..ect To give myself a year. A year to mourn, A year to grow and accept the changes that happen to me, and to take care of me. Makes sense I suppose, and writing would be taking care of me. I just feel I’m supposed to be doing something productive for my life, my future..yes writing might be it, right now I feel a little lost or I’m walking without a net.

My muse is always here, she is very patient, she whispers  ideas and dialog in my ear. I write them down in my note book. Life is also one big gigantic story and lesson. I have learned so much in the past 9 months even stuff I never thought I would need to know. Some of it good some of it sad but all lessons just the same. Maybe in the future these lessons will help my writing, as if it is fuel.

My work in progress is going to be a fun read and yes I have had life experience with this story, funny thing is I started writing it before the shit hit the fan. So now I truly can pull from things IFi have heard or seen maybe even done but i’ll never tell  my secrets! *laughs and blushes*

The book is titled; Three Blind Wives, it may be my dirtiest but mixed with humor story/book I ever write, we’ll just all have to wait and see, and that includes me.

I try everyday to write, I am not sure if the anti depressant I take hinders my creativity or its just the traumatic  life change  I have been through and I am waiting to heal. Which ever it is its a struggle and I am trying to push through it. I wont give up writing I love it too much, and  now that I’m almost 50 years old The one big lesson I have learned is to never give up on your own happiness, don’t put it aside for no one or anything. This is your life you are in charge and always…

DREAM~ WISH~ BELIEVE!

 

 

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